Gladioli in the Vase that Djung gave me.
The photoframe behind the flowers contains a silk coaster that Djung brought me from Korea
Although I have been travelling since I was very young, that travel sort of slowed and then for a while was limited to within the US.
I had been teaching and finishing my Phd, both of which were in completely different directions. Years later, the pattern continues even though I finished my Phd a long time ago. But nearly a decade ago something happened that triggered the feeling of restlessness again. It brought me back to the feeling that life is short and that we must sometimes take quick decisions to move out of our comfort zone.
When Dr. B told me that he had a graduate
assistant for me, I was ecstatic. I had been teaching at the university
for about 1.5 years and had taught nearly several new courses, three each
semester, but that last semester when I was finishing up my PhD I had been
given another new course. At the time I was still new to teaching,
--about 3.5 years, so I did not realize what a toll new teaching courses always
different from what you were researching or writing about take on you.
That itself requires a entire post. But I had already taught at two
other universities before. The first university I had graduate
assistants both semesters, which was a great help.
The second university gave me
an undergraduate student who helped me about 2-3 hours a week. There was
some help with proof reading the exams that I created, formatting of the
assignments and sometimes labeling the pages that needed to be
photocopied. Today when I have none of that, I realize how much
energy goes in the administrative work and how mind numbing can it be if done
at a long term basis.
So, getting a grad assistant who I could
discuss classes with, who could help me grade and enter grades was just music
to my ears. It was my last semester as a Phd student. But I did not tell
anyone that I was defending that semester. I had taken longer than
I thought I needed to take for the completion (in hindsight
I realise how hard it all was, I still struggle with most of the
issues I struggled with when I was working on dissertation, at that time I also
struggled with paying bills and an absolute uncertainty of job
prospects and a place (country) to live) and was embarrassed—that I had not
sorted all this out.
The grad assistant I got was Djung, a
young, stunningly beautiful, astutely brilliant student, was working on her PhD
and who also lived in the same building as I.
Over the next few months we would bond
over ideas, assignments and several cups of tea. At times, when we could not
meet due to our schedules but have much work to take care of for the class, I
would leave notes on her apartment door. She would promptly take
care of the material and we would continue the work. We found enough
time to talk about life and trials of a foreign grad student.
We also wondered about place as women in the country and in the
world.
We talked incessantly about anything under
the sun. Just the way girls talk. And I never even thought about the fact
that we were from different cultures. She from Korea, I from India.
“I am going to buy many saris when I visit
India” she would often say. I would laugh at her enthusiasm.
“I
know, I know, it is so consumerist, but I want to own a few.” And we would
laugh together. We had jokes for everything. And anyone who knows
Djung, knows that she had a great sense of humor. She was smart, witty
and beautiful.
She once arrived in her class, her
students told me later, with a band aid on her face, and responded to quizzical
looks by the students by simply saying, 'The first rule of fight club, is
never to talk about it.'
She also was very concerned about
student-teacher relationship, and as the first step she made sure that she
knew each and every student's name in the class, which could be anywhere from
40-100 students, depending on the class. She would take a digital
photo of each student, write his or her names and use that as a guide in the
first few weeks of teaching.
Since those were the years of
uncertainty it was also the time when most of us did not know which apartments
we were living in, and our dates of occupancy etc. One summer
Djung had asked me to lend her my apartment during the summer to drop her
boxes, as she was moving some of her stuff. It was no issue for me since
after teaching the first summer session I had spent several weeks in
summer with my sister.
But Djung was so profusely thankful, and
started sharing her woes of having to find a place for storage when one is in
between places. I understood all too well, being a foreign student, and a
master 'tenant' myself. I had moved over eighteen times, in twelve years
by the time I moved back to the University to finish my degree. As we
sat in my apartment, sharing a cup of Indian tea, Djung simply nodded,
'thank you, you have no idea....'
'Stop! I know how it is' I told her
lovingly. She had smiled and nodded.
Djung was also very deep - she said little
but felt much. In those months that we worked together she honored
me with sharing much of her personal life with me. That sharing and
interexchange of notes on life would continue until later.
About 18 months after my graduation, I had
lost all hope and understanding of my place in the world. I had moved
too many times, taught too many courses at three universities and dealt
with the biggest question of all, 'having a community'. I remember
writing on a piece of paper, 'if life is not going to go smoothly then
I want to start the 'silsila' (chain of events) of travel again, for it
gave me some sense of purpose and brought me the best of
human endeavours--and interaction.
In that process, I had applied to
a conference in France. The paper was accepted and they gave me
a small grant to travel to Paris. I booked a room in a hostel
and took off. I remember very little of the trip, except that I took
a train to meet a friend from Spain who I had also known from the University.
There was something not right. Something did not sit right but I
got busy in enjoying my first trip to continental Europe --as a way of forgetting the
confusion of where I was going.
When I returned, I had several messages
from my friends B and J on the answering machine. Sometimes their voices
were cracking, sometimes there was an urgency. When I called them,
my heart sank and I fell in a numbness that I have not really shed since then.
It was spring break, and Djung along with
three other friends had decided to go to New York City to spend
30th birthday of one of the girls. A head on collision with an oncoming
vehicle had killed three girls instantly and left one injured. Djung was
one of the girls who did not make it.
Two weeks before that my mom's sister had
passed away. I had seen her only a month before that, when I visited
home, and had promised to write to her regularly. During my student
years while I tried to keep in touch with many, my own woes with money and
personal issues of finding my place in society had left me in much
emotional pain. So, that year I had told myself I will make some changes.
But my aunt's sudden passing away,
even when she was very healthy, a young Djung being snatched from us way before
her time, broke me. I could not stop crying. I called my sister,
who had been checking on me for a few weeks since my aunt's passing away and
broke down again, 'what am I doing here, why am I here, what
is the point of this'. I would ask these questions that
had no answer.
While I was already behind in grading
(something I detested), I fell behind even more, I stopped the process of
applying for jobs for the next few weeks. I would drive around town
until late on the streets of that university town--, often times breaking into
tears—I would have to constantly wipe my tears to be able to see clearly.
It was not just Djung, it was the entire
situation. But Djung became a catalyst for my reevaluating everything.
Knowing that for years away from family,
despite my keeping in touch with people, making friends--I never became part of
any larger community.
It was the senselessness of
an academic life, which was supposed to help young souls mould into
better people but focussed more on a printed word that was understood by
very few.
It required a rigour that did not demand
personal discipline raising us towards a higher consciousness-- but a
discipline that took as only as high as being respected by others who had gone
through the same.
Djung, for me now, was everywhere.
I saw her in everything. As ephemerality of life, as simplicity of
love, as innocence of a new born, and as calm— acknowledged cynicism—that
dripped from stores that yelled, ‘Sale lasts only today’
I had some of Djung’s messages on my
answering machine and many on my email. I would listen and read them over and
over again. Trying to see if I could find anything—any message
from her, that I could decipher for my own life.
I kept the clippings of the local
newspaper where the incident was mentioned. And then I attended the
memorial given for all the girls who have lost their lives. I stood at
the back, leaning against the wall, crying silently, my chest constricted,
looking for warmth and hope. I remember telling B that 'you know how
we think many oriental people look the same, but today I saw only one
face every time I looked at any oriental person, Djung's'
I had to start applying for jobs. I had
only two years left on my visa in the US. I did not want to leave it all to the
last minute. I had a job offer the year before, but I had declined
it, hoping to have more clarity in what I wanted to do. The thing
about being on your own is that you have all the freedom but all your
decisions have to be taken only with you in consideration. Many
times it is a matter of survival. I wish I
had someone with experience of such a life --to talk to at that
moment.
But I did not.
With the events of that spring and
many springs before, I had come to the conclusion that nothing mattered, that
I would never be successful in the traditional terms. If there was
something called salvation and freedom, for me it lay in movement. Life
could end in a split second. No one seemed to be waiting for me.
No one was going to miss me when I was gone. Not so much
depressing as much as a matter of fact.
When I mean is that I was lacking a 'deep
connection with people, where you became an important part of
someone's life, or a member of a community, or part of a network of individuals
where there was some collective idea of contributing to society--'. I had
volunteered in so many organisations in the US, upward bound, AID, habitat
for humanity, and several others, but I never felt anything more than a
fleeting part of an amorphous community, without any directed goal.
This time I started applying to
universities outside of the US. While I applied to several, three
specific positions I remember were in Fiji, Switzerland and one
UN position in India. I had been short listed at a very
small university in Maryland and another small university in Michigan.
When both Switzerland and UN told me that they will take a while to make
a decision and Fiji offered a job, I sent an email to my advisor.
A slightly angry one, 'What do I do with this?'.
'You have done this before' he said' 'this
might be a good chance.'
As much as I did not fancy an
international move, I did not feel any pull towards the US anymore.
I got an interview call from Maryland. But before even responding
to Maryland, I accepted Fiji's offer. It took me less than ten days to
come to this decision.
These were my thoughts. I have nothing keeping me here.
Look Djung, an amazing scholar is not even here. She never
even finished. People I love are far away, I need to support myself.
I need to be in a warmer, sunnier place. Djung is gone. Life is short.
Life is unpredictable. We should snatch joy and laughter when we can.
I need to be in a different culture where there are languages other than
English. I need to experience simplicity. May be Fiji's Indian
culture will bring me back towards Indian culture. May be I will be a
part of something again. Djung was struggling to define her place as well.
Djung is gone. Will I never see her?
Then I would talk to her, 'Djung, watch
over me please?'
I looked at a big transparent vase
that Djung had given me as a graduation gift.
'Why did you not come to the party?' I had
chided Djung.
'Because I did not have the time to buy
you a gift.' Djung explained with an excuse that is all too Asian.
'Silly girl, I do not need anything
and that could have waited anyway, you should have been there.'
Djung had given her beautiful simple,
serene and silent smile.
Within 6 months of Djung leaving us, I had
left the country. I have thought of her every spring.
I have carried the vase that she gave
me to every country I have lived in since. I have made nearly 3-4
intercontinental moves since Djung left us a decade ago. The number of
countries I have visited are nearly 2.5 times more than I had seen before that. I have learnt much. Much of
the pain and confusion has solidified and crystallised. Yet, I have found my tunnels and hangouts from where I function in the presence of complete light. I have less
and less desire to return to the US today, a country I so thought was my home,
despite my utter critique of its culture.
I do have a community. The problem is --as
is with academic life, it remains transient, since people move very often.
When I recount all the confusion that lasted me for years and how
I always thought I would eventually settle in the US at some point,
my friends ask me, why did you leave?
I have no clear reason, but deep down I
know it was Djung!!
Djung's untimely death.
It will take us all a while to understand
or realize what happened and in many ways we will never get over this.
And I think somewhere out there Djung will continue to smile, as she stays her
beautiful self and all of us get older and loose our minds in this crazy world.
And while we can all try to come up with
ways and things that will take us towards some healing process, I think her
family will always wonder why they let her go. I hope I am wrong, but I
am sure at some point they will all ask themselves, “for what?”
This is what
I have to say to them…..’Djung was not away from you all, she was with
us. Djung’s life became the foundation
of my taking a bold decision when I was stuck in the quicksand of doubt and
confusion. Her love became my idea for
simplicity with which this life can be lived. Her short life made me realize,
ideas are important but they matter more when lived—when they are backed by
action.
For me, even though by this time I had been to about ten countries, how did my travel and world exploration (re)-begin?
Because of Djung!!
Djung remains with me, as I fill the vase she gave
me season after season with flowers ---bird of paradise and orchids in Fiji,
Lilies and Roses in Sweden—I scrub it carefully every few weeks, and display it
on the side table. Sometimes filled with
dried rose petals. She has remained as a
silent but a vibrant rose petal in my life--which retains its color even when prana (life) has left it.
When people ask me, what a beautiful idea –where
did you get that?
It was, obviously, Djung!!
