Movements and Purpose: Peace and Clarity

First published nearly four years ago, (July 10, 2020) here it is again, for we can always use clarity. 

I promise I will return to this blog and publish at least one or two post every few weeks. As you all know I have invested in a  new blog.  But this blog is dear to me --and I will continue with this as long as I can.

Apologies that its been nearly a year since I wrote here. But I will be returning with new pics etc. 

Holding petals of cherry blossoms, as a sign of hope, even when they fall on the ground. 

Year 2020 has been really strange. I have some of my own stuff going on. Hope to ride it through.  I am still grateful for much good in my life. 

While I am really disturbed by what is going on in the US---and all the anger was justified, I am not sure, if all the violence is ---or if it is/will be useful. 

Gandhi, who inspired Martin Luther King said, 'An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'.

What would be the result of this?  They toppled George Washington's statue over this weekend.  Geogre Washington and the Cherry Tree is how I first learnt about him, in fourth grade.  Doesn't matter if the story was true, it was about telling the truth.

Before I go too far, I will say that India's independence movement though heavily influenced by Gandhi's non-violence strategies, was along side accompanied by and did require violence and killing and burning (not looting)--so I am not ignoring the fact that sometimes all this becomes a need for change. 

Now, back to violence. Is removing Jefferson, who I read in relation to journalism (the most famous quote, if I were to choose between newspapers without a government or government without newspapers, I would choose the former--) who definitely owned slaves, as it became public in the late 1990s, where some African origin people were cousins to caucasian people--going to help? They did horrible stuff, surely.  I also feel that way about many British and Mughal kings, who have been honoured in Indian history. Both were colonisers, with a God complex of civilising peoples. Sometimes I think and wonder why Hindus let their kindness turn into stupidity of believing people without a culture, without an understanding of the delicate relationship between man and nature that Hindus (also Native Americans) naturally live by...

But as they say, 'Vinaash kale, Vipreet buddhi'.  When time is not in your favour, you make bad decisions. 

But what I still ask is....what about the Native Americans?  The only reason today BLM is ongoing is because there IS an African population that is spread around the country. But Native American population is small and limited to the reservations. 

And do the protestors have a solution?  What will come after this?  Is there a a solution that is proposed?  That is my issue with anarchy.  Civil rights demanded right to vote and access to public facilities.  There was a clear demand and a very peaceful, concentrated effort.  No looting, as far as I know.  

Think Occupy movements.  At the time it was going on in the US, there was a similar movement in India.  It was not called that though. It was called anti-corruption movement.  And at the end of a year, there was a new political party, with household broom as its symbol, implying cleaning of the political system. It called itself, the common man party.  Ok, with all its idealises, which impressed even me, they have not really fared v. well. Although in 2014, they won by landslide and started some 'socialist projects' thereafter.  They are already struggling now.  But the point is that --it was not a violent movement, and had a goal in mind (albeit funded by outside India forces to rupture its fabric.).  But non-violence won them votes. 

How about violent protests? Or associated violence? 

Will these violent protests result in fear in the white population where they will not say anything even when they are right?  Just like it was before for the African origin people?  Will it move more people to buy guns?  Will it create a more fearful society?

I am not sure if this will lead to love and trust.  That is something that has to be built over the years.  I know and understand that there was systematic racism.  

No question about it.

But what no one is willing ot talk about is, the breakdown of family which lead to all this. Families created ways of supporting each other, businesses and communities.  Now we have individuals relying on the state.  Single mothers, and even single fathers.  Children being raised by grandmothers because parents are either jailed (yes, quite often wrongly) or on drugs, or not responsible.  Imagine the collective frustration that it leads to?

But I am worried about the young, I fear for the ones who have lost family members in these riots.  While it is true that African slaves laid the foundation for America and Native Americans were the ones who tended their own land---would looting those who worked real hard for generations and never owned a slave work?  How does that work out?  How many businesses owned by blacks and many immigrants have been destroyed in this? 

I believe in Karma --but not over one lifetime --over many lifetimes--so things even out.  Balance out.  It does get balanced out, even if we are not aware of it. 

I have stopped watching the news. Actually, it happened a long time ago. I used to be addicted to news.  Especially when I was teaching international communication.  I have no background in Political science or international relations.  By immersing myself in books and commentaries both NPR and BBC, I learnt much about the world.  I took advantage of all the free audios and CDs that these channels gave away for educational purpose.

But when I left the US, timings and locations changed.  Mind set changes.  It becomes hard to keep up. Now I know v. little about the US.   Even Sweden.  Because news bothers me.  I keep away.  In fact, I have stopped going to FaceBook.  And only visit twitter, and that too sporadically.

But I have been affected by seeing so much destruction in the US.  I did not get along/agree with the culture of the country.  But now --years later, I realise that the actual reason is that I am allergic to many concepts of modernity that go with 'anything goes'.  There was no sense of discipline or self-control in the body, mind and language.  

India, influenced by the west is trying to go the same route.  On twitter I find many interesting young people who are challenging it --just as a many young people who want to belong mentally and culturally to the west.  There are young women who have disassociated the shame linked to drinking and living together culture.  Then there are those --both men and women, who believe that early marriage and joint families are the best ways to keep a society together.   I agree with the latter, and I say that because of having travelled the world. 

But having said that (and I will come back to that later) I must say that US is an absolutely beautiful country.  Wide and vast.  If not culturally, the US is at least climatically v. diverse (although India beats it and we will talk about it somewhere else, India has about 15-16 climate zones, that is how diverse it is).  Culturally, the US is pretty uniform thanks to the corporate and big business culture, the same stores everywhere, the same ways of dressing, the same pizza and chicken nuggets.  From food to language to ways of dressing, except where extreme differences in climate warrant a different outfit. 

But climatically--geographically US provides a great diversity and is absolutely beautiful.  When I watch its old movies (I was addicted to AMC--American Movies Classic in the US) I longed for the old 'community' that existed in the US at some point.  And realised that the community that faded post 60s.  Then came civil rights, one of the greatest achievements for the US.  But where are the Native Americans?  In my decade and a half stay in the US, one hardly met, saw, interacted with Native Americans (wrongly called Red Indians, because obviously Europeans had little sense of direction --Ha, Ha...but all jokes apart, it is said that when all the continents were one, some Native American tribes might have migrated from Indian plains.  The high cheek bones are certainly reflective.  Won't go into detail here, it needs much research).  

Another question, do the African Americans realise that the Christianity and Jesus they swear by also came to them via colonisation, a violent form of forced beliefs?  Read 'Being Different: An Indian Challenge to Western Universalisation' by Shri Rajiv Malhotra. Where he challenges this whole belief propagated by Christianity that Jesus died for ALL of humanity, ALL of humanity is born with original sin, and ALL of humanity needs to be redeemed, and that redemption can only come through the Church. Oh and Btw, Jesus was blonde and all that.  I never understood why no one questioned that? It made sense in India, where our Gods are coloured in all sorts of colors, white, and black and green and blue---colors are just their qualities.  Btw, blue and green ---my most favourite colors because blue and green are the most common colors in nature. 

So the real question in the heat of this 'movement' is....will Caucasian people be fine with bowing to a Jesus that looks physically similar to Bin Laden or Hussain?  And notice, I just mean physical similarity.  Haven't we--by lying about the way Jesus may have looked, switched the concept of purity, love and goodness to one race? Now, to the media.  Denzel Washington is an actor par excellence --I have not seen 'Hurricane' but understand he gave a stellar performance.  However, he got an Oscar for 'Training Day' where he plays a corrupt cop.  Halle Berry, the African cinderella -got an Oscar for a similarly negative movie.  When they are remembered for roles where African Americans are not shown in good light--what impressions do we get of different races? It was obvious when in the 70s and 80s--BET-Black Entertainment Television created a niche for stories of black people, -acted in, written by and directed by black people.  Good.  But guess what, it also undermined the integration, assimilation effort.  Now there were different television channels, just like different churches. 

Music in african and caucasian churches was different too.  An entirely different culture.  No intention of meeting or merging.  Not saying that merging and assimilation also equal differences.  There needs to be a respect for the difference.  If one culture favours large and joint families then another culture should not impose a small nuclear family style of life.  Nuclear families ---in the long run, end up being one-child families, which is the most vulnerable a person can be to the state.  All over the world, the focus on women working and reduction in the size of the family --has also seen a rise in broken families and increased social chaos.  Family, family, family.  Not a solution only when it is not supportive (needs another long post)

And as African Americans embraced Christianity they forget their own sacred symbols (of which family was an important one).  That has been the project of Christianity to begin with.  If I had not travelled and lived in every continent, I would not have been able to say this with conviction. Islam did the same, but with different intensity. It used language and repetition of prayers and phrases.  Because image was 'haram' (illicit). Family is important because that is the best way of increasing the number of followers.  So, it did not need to dismantle the old ways. 

Monotheistic ways in general did not honour local cultures.  Sacredness of each culture was disconnected from the people and their daily existence.  And the people converted weere asked to believe in the concept of divine which had nothing to do with them as a people, their surroundings, their rituals and traditions.  Slowly, civilisations, ways of interacting with nature and understanding ourselves in context of our environment died out. 

And lets not forget that goes for Caucasian people, even though they have forgotten how Christianity came to them.  With the same violence and manipulation.  Caucasians were --Celts and Vikings, their Gods similar to Greek and Hindu pantheons. 

What got lost in this process was sacredness of the land itself.  Now sacred is just Jerusalem or Mecca.  Not the Americas.  In Mexico the sacred sites that are considered Christian today,-- are actually original sacred sites of the natives. 

Recently found out that Mount Rushmore was carved at a sacred site of Native Americans.
Yes, the great American icon that the world know Hollywood by, was a sacred site of Native Americans.  Not very different from making Churches at the desecrated sites of Pagan temples.  Reminds me of numerous Mosques made in India over ancient Hindu temples.  Another strategy for Muslim invaders was to disfigure Murthis (images and carvings of Gods, --DO NOT CALL THEM STATUES OR IDOLS, ENGLISH HAS NO WORD FOR MURTHIS..murthis are embodiments of energies of the Gods, and temples are not places of worship, by Houses of Gods, meaning the Deities reside there.  We live by their rules and use the space by those rules). Islamic invaders disfigured the Murthis, because they knew that those cannot be worshipped. Either a new murthi has to be installed or the temple abandoned.  The idea was to kill Hinduism and Hindu practices.  Not different from what Christianity did to the world.  This idea that anything that was not Christian was sinful and illegitimate. And then the connection of Christianity with whiteness. 

My travels revealed so much to me.  It became hard to ignore inconsistencies in this thought process. 

In comparison, Hindu belief is that ALL OF THE WORLD IS DIVINE, including the not so good parts of it.  ALL OF US ARE GOD POTENTIAL, we behave differently so long as our minds are covered in ignorance and we are unaware of our truth. And hence the focus on Yoga, Meditation, vegetarianism so that we keep our bodies light, to raise our vibration at higher level.  The process is so subtle that it may take lifetimes to perfect.  This world is our Karma-Bhoomi---the field where we act--our grounds for research, practice and improvement.  Higher souls come, at their own will.  But most of us are earth bound.  Then there are other planets and galaxies.  Ofcourse, our technology is not advanced enough to understand or see all kinds of life.  All beings do not look like us, nor are they made of the same material.  On some planets beings may be made of 🔥 Fire---or other elements (according to hinduism--we have five-paanch tattva-elements in us: Fire, water, earth, ether/space and metal).  Different planets will require different elements or levels of combinations for existence.

PS: a detour--look at a Havan (fire) ritual in Africa.  Definitely Hinduism, but it is closer to  nature based religions that Africans practiced.  Hinduism provides books and reasons and science behind it--(Hinduism is both oral and written tradition)--click the link to view. 

So, do African Americans realise that their ancestors had different beliefs than Christian beliefs and that they were made to feel 'shame' for believing in nature and natural forces? 

Will this movement also be beneficial for Native Americans?  Do the Native lives matter too?  

Please listen to Michael Holding and Thomas Sowell who are both of 'African origin' and suggest that this movement needs a deeper closer look....

PS: This is a terrible video, but in haste this is the only one I can find right now. All the money comes from Churches in US, UK, Australia and even Scandinavia--who are hell bent on converting a nation like India.  To their disappointment, Indians return to dharma--that which supports.  Hinduism and faith in nature and energy and the idea that we are all are divine, rather than being sinners. (what a sad concept :()

Some of these questions that have been coming to mind.  So, news bothers me much.  I have stopped watching or reading the news.  I hope peace prevails.  I hope there is true reconciliation.  After civil rights, the country still remained divided.  I remember asking my African American friends about it.  

'At some point, we just become different, our music, our hobbies, our interests' she had said, 'and we drift apart'.

I always ask myself, about India, how did it work there? I grew up in Delhi and most of my friends were like me. But I did have friends who were from different parts of the country --meaning they spoke another language at home, their food was different etc.  But there was a connection that brought us together as Indians.  I did not see that between white and black Americans   It was as if their history was different, and their language might have been different as well.  Their churches certainly were.

But in all this, I think media has played a big role.  They focussed so much on divisions, and now that they have divided, they then highlight differences. 

More than interracial marriages --there is a need for --a real need for inter-racial friendships.  Friendships are a gateway to change.  They initiate interactions, understanding, cultural exchange, learning, and may eventually lead ot inter-racial families.  But that process is important rather than only focussing on inter-racial marriages.

On my end, it is different. I DON'T HAVE A RACE.  I have a culture, a civilisation in me.  I never thought of myself as having a race.  Nor do I think there was ever any racial discrimination against me.  But then, it might be, because I don't define myself by race, so I do not notice anything.  I did notice lack of friendships between Blacks and White (detest using these terms, for me it is African-American and Caucasian Americans).  

I speak on another level, on a discrimination that is so wide-spread and has been absorbed so much that it is touted as a reality and no one questions it.  That is that 'pagan religions are demonic'.  That being in communion with nature and natural forces, that to honour them is against 'God'.  That Jesus or Allah are the only truth.  

I wonder if BLM movement is wise enough or big enough to question institutions that have propounded that belief so much so that people think Hinduism and religions that do not follow the 'monotheistic-abrahamic-way' is not just derogatory but a sign of cultural illiteracy and spiritual shortsightedness? 

Things to think about.  I hope and pray Peace Prevails. I hope people chart out a goal a plan for what they want out of this.  I hope they address that looting is not a solution.  And more specifically, in this environment we do not know who all were paid to those, who did it as a 'mob mentality' and who just want to misdirect the movement.

Right now its all Chaotic, and things and concepts are murky.   

Without the clarity that the civil rights movement had, we might not have a plan after this destruction.

And that concerns me.  

Once again, I pray for Peace, and Clarity. 

Apples of India

First published on December 12 of 2018....here it is again...Apples and autumn are synomous.  Apple cider, apple pies, apple crumble, apple crisp.....

Wishing you a bright autumn with all the warmth that apples bring....and don't forget cinnamon and cloves

My first semester in the US, our Photography teacher took us to a Pennsylvania farm.  It was an amazing experience.  There are a few stories from that day --that will come out pouring at some point.  But what I do remember is that it was a beautiful day.  The kind you get in Pennsylvania autumn.  Only in Pennsylvania.  It is not that cold yet, in late September, and for some reason sun is brighter than many days of summer. 

I spent the whole day with a young ten year old. I still have half a post written to him but have not been able to finish--for years.  I still remember his face, and how beautifully we spent an entire day chatting about life and learning.  

Sometime during that day I remember our teacher Mrs. B, asking us 'Had you ever seen an apple before?'

Strange question, i thought. Apples were in abundance.  Always a part of our fruit salad with spices.  often a part of fruit cream that we made often in summers.  May be they were not as big and as varied as in the US.  

However, only a few hours north of Delhi, where I grew up, one can have a pick of whichever apple they want.

How I wish, I had this picture to show her then.....so, which one would you pick?

Mine, red or yellow to eat raw, green to juice or make apple sauce out of, and all of these mixed for apple pies!!

Clarion Calls: Autumn Leaf Festival

First published on September 27 of 2014, here it is 6 years later.  The reason posts are slightly delayed is that blogger for now does not allow to schedule old posts, which makes it difficult for me to constantly be on time.  I wish they would change it.  But until then, will write to put it up some time on Friday if not at midnight, as it was done for the last year or so.

This time ini Pennsylvania was the most beautiful. Till today nothing beats Pennsylvania --- in autumn colors.  I light up, even when I think of it.  Clarion introduced me to it.  I had dreamt of Pennsylvania even in India.  I had read about the Amish in Reader's Digest.  Then heard about that movie, 'The Witness' with Harrison Ford.   I was forever attached to the colors.  We get some colors in Delhi--being north and sort of temperate climate.  We do get five seasons and since they are spread out, both autumn and winter intermingle over three to four months. It goes pretty fast.  Up in north of India, in Kashmir and Himachal Pradesh (check it out online) the colors are more beautiful. It seems like they are prettier than Switzerland.  But for a Delhite like me, it was restricted.  The long drawn out autumn of about three months in Pennsylvania, made me fall in love with it. It was for that I returned to Pennsylvania in State College. While I met great people, and learnt much.  It did not bear well in the long run.  So my advice, be attracted to a place but always know why you are returning.  Always have a well thought of plan and a clarity on your own goals and needs.  You may not get what you planned, but if you go with the flow and only on emotion, it may cause you to feel some regret later on.  But that is where mentorship comes in.  Be a mentor, teach others, be guides.  So many of us are lost. 

I do my best. I have been a mentor to my nieces and nephews and 100s of students, who still keep in touch. I spoke to one of my first students from India. Who I taught only for 6 months.  I was barely 20.  But to connect with him and speak to him for 3 hours and then speak to his teenage daughter was such a delight!!  In those moments do I feel the completion and a sense of what I am....and where I am in this world.

May you all find--joy in your hearts this autumn, and connect with a passion that burns to serve the world....like the colors of autumn that burn till the end, to delight our eyes and give us long and languid benignly sunny days!!

PS: Here is a post from Penn State that you might enjoy.  

A shot of Main Street during Autumn Leaf.  Note:  This picture was taken from the net (click here to see the source), as were the other logos. 

Pennsylvania was a dream for me.  Clarion, with its simplicity and quietness made it happen for me.  It was the hardest of times in more than one ways, but visually, it was ‘many sights to remember.’  My memories of first autumn in the US are from Clarion.   Clarion is synonymous with ‘Autumn Leaf Festival’, when everything turns red, yellow and orange. 

I attended about four of those in Clarion, two as a student. One as faculty, and one as a visitor. 

The sleepy little town comes alive--for weeks before the actual day.  There are reminders on TV, radio, newspapers and magazines, in stores and in schools and universities.  There are sights to see, and smells (mainly food, talking mainly food) to smell and memories to make.

It should be around anytime soon now.  For me though, autumn is always reminiscent of the first time I saw the nature burst in color--in Clarion.

Its a town that still remains unknown (one American student had asked me, 'so is Clarion really famous in your country?* with a reference to us landing in Clarion as students.

Nope,it had a department I was looking for and the admission fee was not too high. She had smiled.

But my heart was also set on Pennsylvania, ever since I had seen pictures and read about the Amish.  

That love affair lasted over a decade.  I don't know its politics, nor do I know much about special laws, rules and regulations if any apply ---(except that there is an exemption of taxes on computers and electronics stuff every february--and no taxes on clothes)--but I know all about candied apples, blueberry muffins, pumpkin spice ice-cream, and of course autumn's leaves!!  I can smell Pennsylvania on crisp days, I am back in Pennsylvania every year on the first day of snow, and I wake up in Pennsylvania every year when daffodils make their appearance in spring, or trees blush at their own coming of age in autumn.....

And wonder if the school children I saw march in bands in Clarion, are now bringing their children to the autumn leaf festival this year......

The Year that is 2020

This is on top of a chest of drawers.  I woke up one morning around 3 am, and did not want to sleep.  So lit a candle sat up in meditation, --the best morning in a long time. 

An hour later, 4 am, and this was the view outside the window.  This was mid-May. I have so much to do and so much to think about, but every year, this still spells magic time for me....Now it is bright at 3 am!!  

What a year it has been!!  What can one say?

We have no lockdown and apparently there have been many more deaths in Sweden now than anywhere in Scandinavia.  An expert who proposed that theory felt 'remorse'. Most of the people dying were inhabitants of senior citizen homes.

'Wonder if he tested this theory on his own family members?' was a question posed to him on social media.  In that sense, India fared much better.  I am NOT gloating.  

Year 2020, it not where you gloat.  We are all in survival mode. 

But taking precautions is good.

And then there are the riots in the US right now. I do not even know where to begin. I was not going to address and even now I do not think I can write it in completion.

But news is an incomplete way to understand issues of the world.  

Is it all about George Floyd? It is definitely about anger that has been festering for decades.  But those looters spoiled it for those people who are genuinely concerned!  The movement was real and needed---

But are they looters?  

Were they paid? Was this mayhem planned? We don't know and I would not put it past the big powers who want to destabilise countries --anything is possible.

Then there is another thing.  Historically, till about 1950s, black families were the strength of that community.  But a combination of media focus on crime and criminalising blackness, focus on feminism such that state support in many ways became a way to keep the broken families broken, and many other policies have brought serious issues in the fabric of African-American families and communities. 

Much of the anger also comes from having to live half a life.

Not that broken families do not exist in other ethnicities, but black families are particularly broken due to all the issues mentioned above.  

I had an African-American student here from Georgia in 2014--he refused to return to the US. "Our media and govt are teaching our women that black men are their enemies, I stand no chance of a decent life there.'  He then became an English teacher and has not returned to the US.

Please read this article --watch all the links, click on all the links. It will take days.  But its important to understand the situation. To understand that context.  I have cursorily looked at it, but am familiar with most of it due to having studied it in classes and discussed and understood how the media works.  But please check this out.  It won't be easy or pleasant, so spread it out. But please be informed CLICK ON THIS. 

But now that I have written this, I must share that I have cried--over the news. 

I cried when I watched the US, and some of its beautiful cities being destroyed. Peaceful protests were definitely warranted.  Looting (and that includes many non-blacks--that is what I mean by things getting so muddied that no one will ever know what happened) not needed and messed up the whole point.  

But to quote a line from a Bollywood film' 'after things have burnt the only colour left is the color of the soot" It reflects no joy back, it proposes no solutions, it is just a mark of anger and it will be a while before you clean it up and if we are not awake while cleaning it up, anger can emerge again....

I am afraid it will tarnish the image of the community, and they will stil remain the most affected people.  

Yes there have been mass apologies, but what will eventually happen? Will they get jobs easily?  Will people give them apartments easily? Will they be trusted? Despite all the apologies?  Not sure. I hope it all changes. I hope this unrest works like a magic wand and our hearts are cleansed and we focus only on a positive future. 

I wish, I hope.

Let peace prevail. I wish you all a few moments of rest.  Leave television and news alone for a while. Check it only sporadically to care for your own safety.  This includes even places in Europe where violence has been witnessed due to this.

Keep safe, Corona is not dealt with yet.   

News only repeats the same images.  There can be quite a bit of harm done by watching the same images repeatedly. 

I, on my end, will definitely meditate more --considering myself a piece in this.  Can I generate positivity? Around me? That is where I can start.

I hope I am conveying my message, love and affection to the readers.  Look at the above image, the candle and the sky.  Look at the colors, let your life be the color of the sky, not things burnt out of anger.  We are all hurt.  Some more than others. Let us be containers and the contained for each other.  Carry each other through this crazy year 2020.

I believe in this world!

Thanks for reading!

Tatako and Ishiguro

Again first published on December 26, 2017--Here it is again, these two posts should go hand in hand, Ishiguro and Tatako, will always remind me of two different sides of Japan, the Spiritual (meditative) and the stoic!

None of these pictures have any connection to the story here. They are just being used so that I have some happy and some not-depressing (neutral) pictures to this strange story of identity crisis and home-sickness. Most of these pictures were taken in 2009, first visit to Japan. 

Train to Kamakura, 2009

Buddha at Kamakura, Japan, 2009

Young women in Kimono

For my research and data collection, during my Phd, I had returned to the city I had lived in, only two years before.  Washington DC.

At the library of congress where the research process itself was something to marvel, I remember staring in awe as microfiche that I requested was brought up by a cable.  The process was that --you fill out a form --usually based on research from Lexus-Nexus, the data base for news articles, and then send it through a tube.  Upon arrival in the basement, some person/staff would locate the document you asked for and send it through a lift, a cable.  Actually the entire process is blurry now, but I do remember being fascinated by it.

So, in the middle of that hectic, energy consuming work, I would take a break and just look out the window, wondering about things that bothered me then and have continued since then.

Who I was, what was I doing, why was I doing this research, what would it accomplish, did I really  care about the topic and issues or was it a way to finish something I had started, just to show perseverance but I truly was not interested in anything.

I had a semi-science background but I had acknowledged that I was a story teller, I thought in images and visuals, my mind kept dropping me characters and sentences and dialogues and words ---that came with their own personality and told me that I was to be their caretaker and gardener.  That I was to place them in the right place and in right order.

While I wrote for as long as I can remember (I wrote a short play when I was eight, and then directed it... will write about it later)---I started writing on a regular basis in my teens, when I also started keeping a daily journal.  From then till mid-twenties, I wrote a page or two --sometimes more every day.  Today I have a whole shelf filled of many hand written journals, in many shapes and colours.  The most common ones are the 'mead' notebooks from the US.  

With my move to the US, handwriting shifted to word-processing.  I started putting down things onto a computer.  From there, though I could write and store much, but I also became fragmented.  Thanks to this blog, I put together some memories and put them out, for the sake to having them in one place.

But the fragmentation which started with regular and increasing use of computers, combined with world-travel and possibly an identity loss, often makes me feel numb.

As strange as it sounds, numbness, has its own unique pain.

And so, this story of a Japanese woman I met years ago at the library of Congress and the recent talk by Ishiguro made me look nostalgically on a time, that was utterly painful, in real 'pain' sense of the word.

I actually felt the pain, tears would flow down at the drop of a hat, I would often write in my journal 'my heart was dangling over my abdomen'.  A way of explaining a 'drowning' feeling.

It was during that time, when I had to be in DC for research that I happened to sit next to Tatako.  I remember her name. Very clearly. I had thought of writing to her for the longest time. We had exchanged addresses and emails.  But I never did write.  

She was a middle aged Japanese woman married to an American man.  Loneliness and isolation emanated from her aura.  Shrunken even more than her slight frame.  It would be more appropriate to say, 'loneliness and isolation was where her aura receded', for there was nothing that 'emanated.'  That feeling was so strong, that one felt sucked into that vortex.

Since, I was myself in that space, somewhat, I was not in any danger in being around her.

But, just being around her made me realize what had become a modern state for many of us.  

Displaced, dislocated, and disoriented.

We did not know who we were, and simply stuck in inertia of not being able to do anything, even though time and things around us were in constant motion.  And those like me were in perpetual motion, meaning a physical move from one place to another. 

Tatako had married an American and had no children.  When she sat next to me, we started talking to each other, as if in a trance, of the directionless-ness of our lives.  Maybe both of us missing a sense of familiarity of expressions and emotions!  We did not recognize ourselves in the way world and life represented itself around us. 

We dare not express, for the fear of being misunderstood and misrepresented by our out of place feelings.  

And we shut out the joys of a childhood that was rich and colorful, for none of that was reflected in our world.

I felt her pain, as she slowly talked about the silence at home. It reminded me of my landlady from when I lived in the city. She was from south America and had married a divorcee with a child, who did not want any more children, while she desperately desired children.  When I met her, she was taking a break from her husband and trying to sort herself out, trying to connect with her childhood friends and even sweethearts, to find a lost piece of herself. 

I took Tatako’s address but did not know what to say to her. A few months later, I moved to another state and became even more lost than before.  Her name is written in one of my old diaries, that I have been meaning to discard for a while.  I had torn the page that had her name and saved it, but thrown the diary away this past summer, so that I may clear some space.  May be now that I have immortalized her memories and feelings and non-existence in a foreign culture, I can get rid of that page.

But writing about Ishiguro and listening to him talk about a Japan that he wanted to 'capture before it faded away', made me realize how much I have wanted to do that. Capture my India.

I had a magical childhood. Yes, not without problems and issues, but magical childhood.  So much so that the problems remain in the background and manifest here and there in fear, but it is the memories of that beautiful childhood and the character of strength that learnt from those around me that has helped me live with the integrity that I have lived with.

When Ishiguro talked about memory, I thought about Tatako.  Would she be upset, if she had no memory of a ‘richer, fuller’ time in Japan?

Tatako, in her very simple English, had talked about the lack of movement--a stillness that had become stale-- in her life in the US.  Stillness instead of deepening, had started a stench of fear.  She looked calm from the outside but was unquiet on the inside.  But it was the stoicism of Japan that allowed her to function as a normal human being, or at least no more bruised than we all are. (the blue part has been added this time, upon reflection on it). 

At the time, I was also reading ‘The road less travelled.’  And what I clearly remember from that book is this one incident, where the author says that the ‘Japanese brides that accompanied US soldiers after WWII back to the US had great marriage for several years and even decades.  But as they started to learn better English and could express themselves, the marriages started to break. Because now they had expression and could express, their discontent or disagreement.’

Would being inarticulate then be a blessing?  Not being able to name a feeling.  Just name it dullness for a while and hope for it to move and shift?

Something, I hope to consider more and think about…..as I continue on this journey to write and share.

Red, Yellow and Orange!!

Wow, this was first published on October 16 of 2010--things and experiences seem so close sometimes I have to remind myself how long I have been writing this...I had returned to the US possibly after six months or possibly after a year---there was a conference in Texas.  I had gone from Texas to Oregon to pick up some old things from a friend's place and then to Boston for a quick stop ---then flew out.  All those places I had some work to do--conference, pending business and meeting a friend.  That was my first year in Sweden and I was in transition.  

I am always in transition.  But some years are heavier than others.  There is a whole book about that year--that needs to get written....:)

Posting this next to the last week's post about color.  I had seen pictures of autumn in Kashmir and of-course in brochures for colleges in the US.  But my first sight of it in the US, years and years ago made me feel like I was in a dream.  

Pennsylvania autumn is the most stunning.  Because unlike Sweden it is actually warm.  You get sunny days.  Sun shinning through these colors is something else.  A true time for reflection.  It blends so well with halloween and pumpkin and apple crumble and cider.  These are some of my favourite things....:) 🎵🎵

Btw, people go for special drives just to see 'Fall Colours'.  And these were taken when my friend took me for long drives through outskirts of Boston and one was taken in Oregon (Oregon colors are not as stark because of geography, but autumn definitely  makes its mark there as well!!

Hope you enjoy the pictures!

Autumn colors are the best in New England!! When you are there, in the midst of Red, Yellow and Orange, you cannot believe it is all real. The colors radiate such warmth that you are pulled into them. Often times I have imagined wearing those colors, in silk and chiffon. Nature has the best taste in color palette !! Boston, October, 2010.

For years in Pennsylvania, this was my favorite sight. While the leaves were gone from the trees they still rest a while on the streets, before being dutifully raked away. I made sure at least a few times before they were swept away, I would push them together neatly, with my feet into a pile and revel in kicking them as I walked. All the time looking around because the sweepers would detest me for creating more work for them. The other thing to do is to pick up these leaves in your hands and stare into the mild autumn sun and just throw them into the air and then duck .....as them come wafting down..... Boston, October, 2010.

Autumn in Portland. Thought the colors are the best on the east coast, you can see the range of shades all the way to Oregon. It is a treat to drive through these these streets that are lined by trees that convert to being multi'color', every autumn!!

This is what I call a Half Autumn tree. In the middle of autumn you can spot these trees that are half way in the spirit of autumn. The leaves are still alive, there are a few branches, bare and proud, and then this pile of color that covers the ground, almost a ray of hope--that is is not over yet...

Branches flowing out of this tree were covered with rich yellow. I noticed their color next to the 'green trees'. It seemed that these trees were never green. Such is the illusion of perception....what we see, we think has always been that way.....