The following message was written on January 16, 2021.
Can you believe it?
Never had the time to return.
And we are in the last two weeks of 2020. It goes fast --although 2020 seemed to have lasted longer. Its 8:30 am in the picture. I love it this time. It's quiet and beautiful. Both dark and bright. May you all be surrounded by warmth and love .....
December 30, 2022
I do not know which image i was going to add, but its been dull and dreary and yet I love Sweden during this time of the year. I am adding a pic from Gothenburg, a city I have been spending time in---for a while now...for the last four months.
So much is going on...and I have no idea where to begin or what to say. As the year wraps around, the same questions remain, that I had three decades ago. Going through my books I read some old journal entries from 1990-91. Before I went to the US. At the cusp of it. I was in another country at the time. Looking back, did I ever think I will be in so many countries. Have met so many people and yet feel a sense of aloneness --even though there is this joy of having known some really great people?
There are two issues, one is that one has not created their own family, which is always alienating. No matter how much I try to keep up, it is a loosing battle. I used to remember birthdays and anniversaries and send gifts and what not....but slowly...it all starts to slip. You have stuff to take care of ...and you have only two hands. Then, it gets too much because you have little of your support system.
So being on your own in different countries has you spread too thin and in too many places.
The other thing is that I have met some of the nicest people. I heard from my friend ST in the US, who was my neighbour at Penn State via a phone message. Then I spoke with my friend EDD in Spain, whom I met at Penn State --while i was learning Spanish. In some ways, the two things are not connected. Meaning learning spanish and knowing her because she was not my teacher. But we met at the busstop at Penn State, almost every few days, started talking and then started writing. I had a conference in France and I called her to ask to come visit me. Instead she said, no you visit me. That was 2005. She visited me in Fiji in 2006. And we have kept in touch. Me through four countries since we met. She through a marriage and raising two children and hopping towns for jobs, getting selected for a government job etc.
We talked like school girls only with grown up problems :)
Did I ever think I would have a friend from Spain or one from the US? Or many from the US and some from Germany and from Greece and Cyprus and Brazil and New Zealand and Morroco and Israel?
I had wanted pen pals....but it never materialised. I finally got my real vänner---real friends.
There is so much goodness.....that I think many lifetimes will be difficult to explain the gratitude I feel.
Yet, a kind of exhaustion at having travelled and gathered little Moss.
I did not share here but I had a job in the United Kingdom for a year. I will write about it at some point. Among other things that did not work, I missed Sweden to my core. When I returned at easter to take care of a few things I realised how much this felt like home. Even though I do not feel grounded anywhere.
So as the year turns...and I gather strength again to work on projects and doing new things....I must recognise that life is not as simple as we thought when we were children. We can get what we want and yet feel a kind of angst. A displacement. It can happen even if you stay at the same place...you know, even it is A WONDERFUL LIFE....
So for now, I want to thank all those who have touched my life, be grateful for all the abundance and also be grateful for all that I want...
I try to share something of use towards the end of the year. Here is a link to one of my favorite channels. Pick Up Limes.
Here the creator shares her morning routine. If for nothing else, it is a peaceful watch. May you have a calm, productive and beautiful year. The kind that makes you aware that despite all the things that have not happened yet, or despite your disappointments at life, you have still had a great life...at least a few of your dreams have come alive...be grateful and be joyous...
Gott Nytt Âr, Happy New year and here is the link...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cx_veZygQkU
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