Apologies again my dear readers. I promise a new story soon. Much, much is going on. Will share some details soon. I met an old friend yesterday. Inger. I have known her from the very week I came to Sweden. In fact, I emailed her before I came here. She is part of the Art of Living community. While the community dispersed, because it is a small town, she and I have kept in touch. Yesterday was our 4 hour long meeting. I loved every minute of it. The best thing was that about 65-70% portion I spoke Swedish, wrong possibly, but Swedish.
I kept thinking of my journey. I realised its been beautiful. This post came to mind. I wrote it in 2017, then hid it. Its been a few difficult years. With COVID adding some more stress. But I have survived.
I am proud say that for the last few years, I have seriously become my own teacher. This has been the best learning experience.
To all the teachers and all the students, I dedicate this post.
This post was first published on December 10th, 2017. Here it is for you all again.
Teachers provide the wind beneath our wings. Real teachers I mean. Be they parents, friends, teachers-teachers, or you yourself.
For a long time now, I have a sinking feeling of not being
successful. I get defensive sometime
and want to brag, or talk about my puny accomplishments, or talk about the
difficulties that I have had and feel good about performing despite all of them.
But we are measured in the publications and grants. That is performance!
The worst thing for a person is to know that one is capable,
but not being able to perform and at some level just not giving any attention
to it, since there is so much else, that is at the core level that remains
unsettled.
Well, about publications I knew, but ‘grants’ is a very
European thing. In the US, you were
supposed to teach and develop some courses usually related to your research,
and publish along side. In addition, summers are longer, and there is at least
one week long break the middle of a semester and teaching is shorter, about by
ten weeks. At bigger universities you
get a research assistant. As I did in my
first year of visiting professorship, during which I taught five new courses,
from a minimum of 35 to a maximum of 125 students. Over one year, I supervised
three research assistants. During this
year, I wrote, edited and re-wrote my dissertation. But most importantly, adjusted into a new
town, Bloomington, and lived without furniture or much support system. Over
that year, I made three life long friends, one of whom I consider my
mentor. The other two, have remained in
my life and we are connected at the heart level.
But, since that was my first year of teaching, it required much
work from me. I can write in one
sentence 'I taught five new courses', but it actually was a tedious,
disorienting and extremely frustrating time (Which my Head of the Department
noted so kindly in his parting note.)
Out of the five courses, three of them I had no background in e.g. Women
in Media. One requires women's studies
in that, and I had no background, either in women's studies or in cultural
studies, although I would write about some in the latter area, a few years
later.
There was one course on Public Communication Campaigns and I
used some knowledge from my Msc. in Training and Development on planning a
campaign. But all of a sudden, I was
reading authors I had no knowledge of, watching films I had never heard
about---(taught two courses related to media production, both of which used
some knowledge that I had acquired in my MA level, but none with any relation
to anything from PhD, although I always incorporated my favorite area….media
effects.).
Along with all of the above, I was applying for new jobs.
And of course the perpetual question of who am I? Where do I
belong, and where shall I stay and finally reside, never left me.
But one thing that started long before when I began teaching at
university has remained with same.
A connection with my students!
I had about four years of school teaching experience, not
counting one year of student teaching experience. In the first year of my teaching, (actually
about 6 months), I created a bond with the students that lasts till this
day. Only twenty when I got hired, a few
months before I finished my second degree in education, I was a child myself
--but loved to address the 10-13 year olds who I taught math, as 'bachche.' (Child). There needs to be a separate post about what
happened when I left India and how my students reacted, it is a saga of it own.
But over quarter of a century later, my students are still in
touch, I get birthday messages, they visit me when I am in India, my family
knows them like family members.
What was it? It was the
fact that I listened to them. They came
running every morning, with simple stories like 'I got a new toy, my mom bought
me a new book, I have started reading newspapers, I love cricket, I want to be
a cricketer, no, I am going to be a doctor, Ma’m, my aunt had a baby so I need
to take a day off'. I listened and paid
attention. I also created informal games
for our in-class time.
One of the game was that if I entered the class and student had
not opened their math book, I would lightly tap them on the head with my own
copy of the book, and they would all try to duck and get the book out of their
bag before I could hit them. It then
became a game as to who was most 'ready' before my class started, with book,
notebook and a pen.
The other was discussing current affairs and general knowledge
for about five minutes, even though we were a 'math class.' They learnt and brought me more
information. We laughed and joked, but
we always learnt things. One of the
parents came to me in a parent-teacher meeting and said, my child says that you
never move forward until you are satisfied that all of the class has understood
the math problem and can solve it with confidence.
'I try!' I had said, blushing.
Another student, who moved to the US, told me more than a
decade ago now, 'Math was something I hated, until you taught us, and then it
was my favorite subject' (He is an
engineer now in the US-married with kids).
That year on Diwali, I had to turn down, many a box of sweets
that my students brought me. I simply
did not feel right about taking gifts.
My father later said, very wisely, 'You should have opened the boxes
right there and shared with the entire class'.
Its something I have done several times.
I also worked with another habit in the first year, which I
dropped quite early on. I used to throw chalks at my students. Especially if they were talking, not paying
attention or dozing in the class.
Amazingly, I was often on the mark.
*Kya Nishaana hai!' my students used to say. 'What an aim!!'
Its true, I hardly missed. Soon, as I moved to Botswana, that habit
was dropped, because I had no clue how to act.
Moreover, I taught a completely different subject. Home Economics.
When I left, the students I taught math for less than 6 months,
cried, just as much as I did. I was
afraid that time and distance would sever that beautiful bond that we had
created. But for some reason, a great
amount of love has stayed.
In the US, I started teaching from the second semester onwards
when I became an assistant to a production application and television studies
professor. While not much stayed from that, I have two-hand written notes in my
autograph books.
One of them from Craig 'One of the best graduate students I got
to work with'. Then there was AJ (always
joking--I think his real name was Cliff)--who always said, 'How much have you
already done?'. I was still 25, living
in the third country on the third continent going towards the second year of my
MSc. degree.
That summer, I worked at a Girls Scouts camp as an art
director. In one session talking to two
campers, while disciplining them, I said, ‘would you behave like that at home’,
they responded in a shrug. To my follow up question, do you behave like this
with your mother (mind you, I was only in my twenties)—they responded, ‘My
mother does not talk to us like that.’
I stepped back but continued to guide them through the week
that they were at the camp. At the end of the week, they came and apologized to
me for behaving rudely. Ofcourse, I smiled back.
At the same camp, I remember sleeping in a tent one night,
because there was a need for an extra counselor. Even though I had a room, since I had an art
director position, I did not mind staying with the campers. I clearly remember one brownie (usually 8-10
years) started crying because she missed home, and how I went up to her tent to
help her feel better. The reason I say
this is, at that age, girls my age were running after boys, or spending time at
bars. Even at the camp, girls talked like ‘girls talk’. But there was I was, being a mother to
all. I should have known that I would be
shrivel without a family. Die of not
being able to use my talents of caring and nourishing others. And if I used those
At the camp, I met K, who kept contact with me for the next
several years, ---during which graduated high school and started med school, I
finished one degree and moved to a city and then started another degree. And until a few years ago, we wrote letters
to each other. I have just stopped much
of this now, realizing and knowing fully well, relationships that are meant to
be will return to us. Travelling has
taken its toll, even as it has nourished my soul.
During PhD as a student I had little experience of teaching,
although I taught computer application to high schools students at Upward
Bound. There were two students, I
remember I had to deal with. It worked
out fine in the end.
But looking back, I realize that –I always considered an
opportunity to be around students, an opportunity to care and love, a
possibility of deep emotional relationship. Weird, I was. J L !!
Teaching started full
force when I started at Indiana University. (I did teach a class or two here
and there at psu, and assisted in a class on documentary films).
And my teaching has continued since.
It was there at IU, that many students said to me, 'Thankyou
for a your personal way of teaching, Your friendly ways have been appreciated
in an impersonal university, why are you leaving, can we do something to stop
this (I smiled, because I was leaving because I had a tenure track position at
another university--my alma mater).
Then there was a student named, C. Natali, who was a wonderful
writer. But not very good academic
writer. I told him, I loved his writing
but he could not get an A because his writing was not reflective of the
assignment, at least not in the tone and language. He refused to alter his
writing. I refused to budge. He finally gave in, after I said, ok, 'write
first part of your final, as if it is an academic writing' so I know that you
are capable, and then may be I will concede.
He did.
And I did.
He wrote to me later on, 'I found your take on grades and work
very refreshing.' (paraphrased'). (I still have many of these notes in my
gratitude journal).
And I remember with fondness, when one student found out that I
was short listed for a small university in California, 'If you move there, may
be we can share an apartment to save money'.
It was a young man, and I do not think he understood, how scandalous it
would be for the likes of me. But I
smiled, because he probably meant it as a compliment.
It was also at IU, that I met Sarah, who was absolutely uninterested
in the class on public communication campaigns.
She stopped coming to classes. I emailed and called her. Finally made several changes to the way I was
teaching and how I interacted with students.
On her final exam, at the end of the document she wrote, 'Thanks for
what you did for me during this class, it helped me a lot.'
Then there was Josh. That brilliant, round faced kid. Who never attended classes and aced every
exam. On his final document he wrote, 'I
see you have got it in you, continue to teach'.
I had to smile. His self-confidence coming through that sentence.
Not sure if I did it both semesters, but at IU, at the end of (at least) one
semester I made hand made books marks, for each student. I had used quotes from a book on 'beginnings
and endings of famous books' that a friend J. Frumpkin had given me. That year, I also took candies to my classes
a few times. Thanksgiving and Xmas for sure.
Once when a student, who was always late, walked into the class
I said handing her the bag of candies, 'You are late, we just finished eating
pizza'. She thought I was serious, and
the entire class laughed.
It was also there that I befriended at least for a short time,
a student, who was a head and shoulder taller than I and used staring tactics
to scare me. Finally, I invited him to
my office and asked him why he was doing that, 'You take things personally' he
was defensive.
‘Do I?' and I related
things back to him.
Considering how young I was, I am amazed at how calm I
was. The blue-eyed 6-footer, left with a
smile and always jokingly called me 'My Prof.' from then on.
At Clarion, I had several students tell me, 'What I learn in
your class I have used in other classes, how do you do it?' (one specific
example was the way I told them, there are reasons for why things are done in a
society, even if we do not think about them, once we get used to them. For
example, red lights, are red or danger sign a red coloured sign because red has
the highest wavelength and can be detected even on foggy days.).
There was a mixed race student there, who told me repeatedly
that her grandmother had forced her to go to college. She was absolutely
uninterested in college. I would sit her
down and motivate her. When I was
leaving (which is another saga and needs another post)--she came and said, 'I
will miss you, no one listened to me.'
Then there was A. Sibbal, who at the end of fall semester
wished me, * A kick-ass break'
What is a kick ass break, A?
I asked. I got something like
'Cool, & fun.'
There was also D, who had stopped coming to classes and did not
turn in his final. I, like a concerned
teacher that I was, called his home.
You do not call their parents' said Nancy, the ever so caring
administrative assistant, who had known me from my student days.
'I was mortified' and promised to not ever care that much (But,
as was my nature, I continued.’)
A few days later, as I was riding my bike home, I saw D, in a
car merrily enjoying with his friends.
He waved, I waved back.
'Are you ok?' I yelled.
'Yup, I am ok, are YOU OK? he chuckled.
Also, it was that year that a student wrote in evaluations,
'You changed the way I look at images.'
I was teaching a brand new course that I had developed. And since the
labs were not in place, I asked them to use photoshop and a combination of
still photographs, and sound to create a feeling of motion and use it for story
telling. My students amazed me with
their work. Some beautifully told
stories in just five shots--a combination of long medium shots and close ups.
Also, another student wrote, ' I love it how you worry if one
student is missing from the class.'
My return to Penn State was good for the heart because I loved
state college, but it was painful for the reasons I had to move. Which again will be detailed later.
But from the very beginning, although like always, I was
teaching new courses, I formed a bond with the students.
Presently, I have about five students who I am sort of in touch
with. Two boys, three girls. One, who is
an Indian-American, has almost become like a family, as we have been in touch
for the last decade and a half, and we spoke about 6 weeks ago on the phone.
But it was at Penn State that Brian and another student came up
to me and said, 'Its a take your professor to lunch day, may we take you out?' I was so touched, but that was a busy week
and I could not. It was also there at
Penn State that two students got into a huge fight in the middle of class, over
some group work. Abuses of the worst kind
were hurled at each other, and I, only one year away from graduation, still not
quite mature, stood my stance, did not get angry but dismissed the class. Letting the arguing students stay in the
class. I do not remember how I sorted it out, but I got an email from one of
the students, J.
'I apologize for the way I behaved, he said, 'More than
anything, it was a disrespect towards you and I deeply apologize for that.'
'I can forgive J, but many times the world is not forgiving,' I
wrote back, 'Just remember that as you step outside of college.'
Also, it was at PSU that one student Th, left me a note saying,
'gladly I took your class (International Mass Communication) so that I can
finally say that I learnt something at Penn State.
There are two sort of funny, sort of scary incidents from Penn
State, that I remember. One, when I was
teaching a Media Theory class, and the students had to write a group project on
one theory of their choice, and present it to the class. This group chose
‘Diffusion of Innovation’ and used the example of ‘cocaine’ as an
innovation. I was shocked, embarrassed
and sad. Did they not understand what an
innovation was? I asked. Do you think cocaine is not an innovation? They asked.
No, No, and No. Once you have that in
your blood and you are charting out how that is distributed through a culture,
you will have society left to study in a few years. Seriously, a bad idea!! That, though funny in
a sadistic way, still bothers me.
The other incident was when in one of the classes a group chose
their ‘argument’ that ‘porn’ was good for relationships. Their argument that ‘relationships get
boring’ and that watching porn can save them.
I remember my extremities went numb on a fairly warm spring day. I kept thinking how I would address this.
I do not remember what I said in my short speech, because it
was important to let them ‘think the way they wanted’ but also important to
guide them and give them something to think about, which would make them
realize that they were not on the right track.
I got up slowly, and I do not remember the middle part, but I
started and ended my speech with this short sentence, ‘Obviously, you have
never been in love’. I remember that the
entire class had clapped.
Phew, I thought, what if they had gotten angry and called me
regressive. So, there was a young
audience out there, that was hungry for some direction and values, rather than
be guided towards a hedonistic lifestyle that much of the media was pointing them towards.
It was also at Penn State that I emailed R, a student in Comm
413 or 411 class when he missed a few classes.
He told me that he was not making enough money to pay rent and did not
want to bother his parents, who were first generation immigrants from the
Philippines. I asked him if I could contribute some towards his rent. He politely declined, but paid me a
compliment by leaving me a note before he graduated from the university.
And it was PSU that I arranged trips to the UN headquarters
about 4 times in the four years that I was there. The trip cost 50 USD, and some of the
students could not pay, and I did not mind helping them out, just so they could
have an experience.
The summer before I graduated, my summer classes made special
signs for me, thanking me and wishing me well with my PhD. That summer and the following summer, I
cooked for my students. First year it was just about 8 students, some of the
food for catered. A year later, it was about 13 students ---and I cooked for
two days. Sometimes I look back and
wonder. Should those times have been
spent on publications and research? What
was I doing? It took much effort and
planning, and that is when I never even though about money. Those were early years of working and I felt
rich compared to my student days when paying for food and rent was difficult,
and there seemed no end to my cheques bouncing.
I remember fondly telling my students, I will cook and provide
no alcohol, and will card you guys, well, no, actually, alcohol is not
allowed. They had all smiled. But on the
day of the party, a student walked up to the kitchen side of my one bedroom
apartment and said, 'Excuse me, I need to get a beer, from your fridge'
'What A?!!!??? When in
the world did beer enter my fridge? I did not create a scene, and till this day
the thought scares me, for I am sure, some of them were not 21 yet.
During those times, I would apply for other jobs, but knew not
anymore, who I was, or where I belonged. I belonged to the students and a
classroom, wherever that was. A
realization that came to me later, but subconsciously has saved me over the
years.
Had it not been for teaching, I would have gone crazy a long
time ago. Teaching allowed me human
connection that was missing in worlds were publications and conferences and
high paying jobs were a marker of our value.
I also missed the human connection because my experience of friendship
in the US was ‘raw’ to say the least.
Most people I knew would move or leave town within a year of knowing
them. Others would have never made
enough fo a connection with me to work hard on keeping in touch. While continued to write and send letters and
cards. For years, I mean for years.
Teaching allowed me to remain human, during the times I had
insomnia and used NyQuil PM to go to sleep, during the years I gained weight
due to a strange lifestyle, of teaching new courses every year while applying
for jobs and finishing my PhD--which meant I was awake and asleep at the oddest
hours of the day. (sometimes teaching 8
am classes, and 3 pm classes on the same day, which meant one proper meal, much
snacking and chocolates other times).
So, it hurt when I shared that I was never included in any of
the activities, never a part of anything at Penn State while teaching, and was
told that 'It was because I was a student'.
A student? I taught all 400 level courses, teaching 3 classes
each semester, 50-60 students each, and no graduate assistant, while finishing
my PhD and looking for new jobs.
It hurt even more when I moved and not a single person asked
me, *Would you like any help?' I was
moving to not another town, or even a neighboring country, I was moving to
another continent with a time difference of nearly 15 hrs, and I did it all by
myself.
I was short listed at one small university in Michigan and one
in Maryland (while only a year or so ago, it was much better universities were
looking at, my value had dropped with 'only teaching' and no publications,
another thing that I realized later and without any guidance from anyone, I
kept falling down in a bottomless pit of developing human relations, without
any anchor, that some how seemed to have less and less value in academia.
So, when the choice was between a small town in Maryland and
Michigan, and Fiji (had applied to Swtizerland and India both of which were not
working out)--I chose Fiji. While I do
not regret leaving the US--- Fiji was a mixed blessing.
I chose it for being the opposite of Pennsylvania and providing
me with an insight into another culture.
Fiji's warmth though good, brought other issues, such as health problems
to a person so used to Pennsylvania's cold, several infections and mild form of
dengue fever the first year I was there.
But what sustained me was once again, my love for students. I took them under my wing. And like in no other place! I felt a sense of
camaraderie, since many were Indians and all were from 'developed countries',
which meant that maybe just maybe, we shared sensibilities.
For the next two years, I would cook for my students, friends,
colleagues, neighbors, not thinking that I was 'spending time and energy' where
I could develop a career. I guess, human relations always meant so much to me,
that I kept pouring out like water from a broken hose, that is so happy to
spill, and gushes out, but does not realize that it may not be welcome by all
the plants and definitely not in that intensity by the gardener.
While for the most part it was beautiful and heart warming,
Fiji turned out to be one of the most painful experiences with students. They were all fine until I was giving, but I
was not allowed to correct or tell them that they were rude, or that their
behavior was less than ideal. And when
say ‘giving’—it was not just any regular giving. Other than cooking meals, I was celebrating my
students’ birthdays, I was actually thinking of them on my vacations, making
list of who to bring gifts, several times becoming close to their families,
taking responsibility to be there for them.
Sometimes missing my break time to be there for them when they were
going through a difficult time and much more.
And many times writing long emails and letters to explain a few
things that had gone wrong. In fact,
when teaching MA classes, I even had some issues with two somewhat
'celebrities' of the country, who could not understand that I would put
'deadlines' on projects, and expect timely delivery.
When I had to leave the country, I did not
know what was I crying over. Although
Fiji was in my heart, I was also crying at a sense of loss, an enormous loss of
time and trust. I had invested in people
who had thought nothing of dropping me from their lives. I mean ---I taught weekends because I thought
they were behind in their readings, I would hold extra classes. If I heard they
were going through difficult times, I called and talked to them like an older
sister, as if it was my responsibility.
And I heard that one of the students said that ‘she is trying
to please us’. Why would I do that? But I knew nothing else but giving, loving
and caring. I had done that several
times before, and usually gotten taken for granted.
However, I will write a separate post about two of my students
from the first year in Fiji, who I taught for barely 2 months, who still keep
in touch. One if now in Australia and
another one was my roommate for a short period of time, after I had a burglary
at my house and I had to move. For the
second time in my life fear of living alone came to me (first time was when I
moved to Africa and realized that my school did not have electricity and had
live without electricity for a year).
Those two students have kept a sense of smile on my face with silly
emails and exchanges that are quite endearing.
I want to dedicate a post to them so will not write here.
Today, I have no fear or pain about those memories. I
completely understand that those things are more telling of how the students
saw life than who I am. Part of the
credit goes to my students in Sweden.
They adopted me and brought me back to life.
For the last two years, I have slowed down, pulled myself back
and even stepping away from long conversations with my students. But, it is here in Sweden ---students have
given me standing ovation, over and over and over again.
This when, I have taught nearly 14 new courses over the 7 years
that I have been here. This semester, I
have taught 5 new courses, --four of which are co-taught meaning I am not the
only teacher and not the course coordinator, but still its been quite confusing,
for I do not always understand what is expected and am forever
floundering. But I perform.
So, it hurts when none of this is looked at (I have had one
grant for 20%, which I have not delivered on. Although I have written over 10
papers since the grant. But --on that
paper the suggestions given were so many that it needed to be overhauled. I now think I should trust myself more, but
in that process and many other things, I have not been able to work on that.
And yet, I have not stopped teaching new courses. While non delivery on one
paper should be considered, the fact that I have had new courses and delivered
on some other papers and have contributed so much should be considered as
well).
And then I am surprised at a standing ovation at the end of the
class. There are students who come up and
say, 'Thanks for these inspiring lectures, I have never had a teacher like you
who has actually taught us the procedure research' (I am teaching two classes
on research methods, one at MA level and another at BA level).
In my first years a few of my MA students simply adopted
me. They did for me, which no other
students did. They helped me unpack,
they helped me organize my house, they showed me grocery shopping places, they brought
me food when they realized I was not eating well, when I was sick they made
sure I had medicine, when I had to travel, they helped me book seats on train,
get me cabs, when I travelled they looked up places to stay for me.' and even
today, about five to six of my students from an 8 student class, the first year
....are in regular touch with me. I attended one wedding in the summer this year.
WHY AM I
WRITING THIS NOW???
Three things happened.
One, this semester I got a standing ovations several times, second,
about three weeks ago I had a long conversation with boys in my class, after
the class. They stayed after the class
for an hour to 'simply talk life'. And
third, I was just rejected for an internal grant, my fourth time applying. I
got it once, only because it was a co-application, so in a sense I think
someone else was the reason I got it.¨
So, three weeks ago, after a research class, boys and I stood
talking about everything from feminism to dating to study to human
relationships.
One thing I remember one of the boys saying is that 'in this
age of tinder, girls have no patience about knowing us' (although I would say
that girls could complain about the same)---I felt the boy's pain. They also talked about the need for family
and human relationships, which they think Sweden and in general developed
countries lack. They were also very
clear about the fact that it is politically incorrect to talk about inherent
differences between men and women and that at least in their country the system
is geared towards women. That if women
dominate a profession or an organization it is not a suspect but if men do,
then it is a suspect and usually considered a result of favoritism or male
dominance --hegemony and stuff.
With regards to my own research and focus on research---people
could easily say 'so, I mean if you are so touchy feely, go find a job that
rewards you for that. In academia you
are in a business of publications and teaching is just the base job. I have been blamed 'How come you write so
many conference papers (many of which are full length papers)--why don't you
publish?'
Well, I do, but its slow for several reasons. Not only my research and teaching but also my
previous coursework and my teaching and my research have never been connected.
My dissertation was not connected to my course work, my teaching was not
connected to my dissertation or courser work and over 35 courses that I have
taught in five universities on three different countries and continents have
hardly anything in common with what I studied.
So, in an essence, I have taught myself at every step. I taught journalism in Fiji, without a single
class in journalism, I taught mathematics at school in my first job, without a
math degree, its just that I was great at Math, and continued to coach cousins
and friends for years --with just high school math (calculus and
trigonometry). Even contacting
universities at the US and taking GREs before I got into the US meant walking a
mile to the bus stop, then four hours of drive to the city in Botswana that
allowed me some 'urban privileges'.
My base education was in sciences and part sciences, and an
MSc. in training and development. I had never heard of a single media theory
until PhD, and never truly written a research paper, as opposed to a report
oriented paper that we wrote in MSc.
But, without guidance, I have simply mentored and raised myself.
I am still behind, still an assistant professor, who is
learning the language of the country I spend about 4-5 hrs a week on learning
Swedish. In nearly 17 years of college
teaching, I have still not stopped teaching new courses (teaching two new ones
next semester) have had no sabbatical (there is no concept of that in
Sweden)--and one short sick leave.
I am quite disconnected from myself. Despite the best of my intentions, it is hard
to maintain a routine. Shall I renew my
driving licenses for grocery shopping is hard, shall I work towards
publications, shall I apply for a job somewhere? Shall I take a year off? Shall
I return home? Do I have a home? Will I ever have a community?
These issues still haunt me.
In the middle of this, I have over 40 conferences papers, one key note
talk, one edited journal, a few newspaper articles, three journal articles and
one coming out soon, two other waiting to be sent out, four book reviews, three
book chapters, two peer reviewed articles in a professional magazine, one
encyclopedia entry, and have seen undergraduate program change three times
since my arrival in Sweden, and MA program is under its third change. Have been involved with development and
implementation of new courses, and oh, last year got one paper as best paper
accepted at a leading conference. Oh, have supervised several MA and BA essays,
which had nothing to do with any of the research areas that I work in. Oh and yes, two burglaries, one in Fiji and
one in Sweden, let me afraid, fearful of the world and unconfident about
myself.
Yet, I felt ashamed and hated myself after I was rejected.
I will continue to work--there is no option. But I wondered what are we as teachers and
colleagues?
Is teaching, being there for the student, and guiding him/her
so 'low and unacknowledged a job?
From what my students tell me, it is the most important job.
Yet the most ignored the most underrated. I wish I were coached the way I coach my
students.
With regards to my MA students and even several BA students, I
have worked hard with them so they would feel motivated to finish. They come back and thank me, but shall I stop
that because it costs me time and emotional energy? Especially now that I realize that I have
much to say research wise. I have so
much work and so many ideas that need be worked on, yet, yet, why I do continue
to spend extra time on students.
May be I see myself in them, gasping for breath, confused,
hoping for a straw to appear so they can hold it and hope to be pulled out of
the whirlpool of the craziness that is academia and even life in general. Especially in our field, that does not
guarantee jobs and equips students only with the name of theories and scholars.
Most of those who graduate, and I would say even up to the end of Masters, can
actually NOT WRITE. So, despite a degree
in communication they are not equipped to write.
In that equipping them with a few tools of how to survive in
this world is nothing short of a big 'needed favor' to them. I often spend time
with students to ask them about thinking of creating their own jobs rather than
always looking for jobs. 'Become
creators of jobs' and the listen intently.
My experience tells me that most of them got to the university
accidentally and actually do not belong there. Vocational training should be a
part of university training, even though many will disagree. Training students in liberal arts, may expand
the mind, but it does not develop a sense of work ethic or a respect for hard
work that we all benefit from. (That
needs explaining a bit more, in another post).
But, I had to pen this down, because for the last week, I have
been feeling really down. Even though I
told myself to rise above this. I could
not stop disliking myself. I never look
at myself in the mirror, (oh yes I take selfies, but that has happened for
longer than the word has existed)--but have been avoiding looking at myself.
Writing this brings a sense of peace, although not
reconciliation with myself. I know this,
teaching has been my savior, it has helped me feel like I have contributed to
this world. Nothing I publish as an academic
will evoke what I could evoke by engaging my students in a human dialogue. I am aware that it is neither respected not
acknowledged (even though students tell me how much they appreciate it. A friend had asked why I talk about morality (a
better term is Dharma) to my students.
And when I shared that with my students, they said, 'You should, no one
talks to us about it. May be because I
come from Guru (teacher)- Shishya (disciple) culture that I realize the
significance of this relationship. May
be because I am forever trying to belong, may be it is a selfish thing to do.
I know I have to be more focused on research, despite this
crazy teaching schedule, but this connection of listening to students and
caring for them, which makes me feel human, allows me to be myself, is going to
continue, despite my attempts at restricting it, simply because it is an
expression of who I am. It resonates
with my deeper core.
And in helping them, I realize, in some ways, I provide a lean
log to myself to hold on to, despite the turbulent waters of life.
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