PS: 371st Post!! Yeah!!
See this? the blue light on the eye of the city? Goteborg? This is an Nojesfall, an amusement park. It name? Liseberg Park. It has one of the oldest roller coasters in the country. Might even be in the world. In summers it is an amusement park. In autumn, a haunted house and in winter, a dream land!
It is decorated every Christmas like a magic kingdom. Every evening after I was done with the class and some work, I would walk up to the park just to view this. However, did not realise until later that its 'other entrance' was only 200 metres from the hostel that I was staying it.
Hmm---when we are not awake and paying attention. But also when we have goals we run after them...sometimes not realising that using short cuts is not cheating but 'smarts'!!
Wish I had been awake!! Many years ago. But its taken me time, some--time.
That is the value of mentors. They shine light on things you need to do. Remind you of things that you are passionate about. Highlight your skills and passions.
Finally, I went to Lisberg park again this year--. But only for a few hours. Had nothing to eat because all the food is greasy, starchy, sugary and absolutely delicious!! But I was there only a short time--with an idea of making a short film. I got some footage --might share it with you all. But I am starting a separate youtube channel. The thing is that at some point I might start using my name, but I love this blog and the freedom it provides me.
So, I stay without a name. Or just an accidentally seasoned hobo!!
So, just a bit about me as a person or as I perceive myself. Nothing personal. But an observation. I used to be this deeply calm person. Meaning there was little that would make me angry. I always wondered, why I never got angry. Yes, sometimes at family. But I had had no argument with anyone, until I was in my mid-twenties and already lived on my own for nearly half a decade. Which is huge at that age.
At some point, I snapped. I wrote letters and remembered sending gifts, and remembered birthdays and made cooked huge meals for people---but then---in return there were arguments, put downs, silent treatments and unfair accusations.
Or so it seemed to me. What ever it was, I lost my calm. From then on, I would oscillate between being absolutely saintly and irritated all the time.
Let me be very clear, while our present day world tells us that marriage etc. are not important, it is a stage in life that is necessary. It allows you to become a part of a larger context. It is required for feeling whole. Because whether or not people get married, they 'couple'. They find live in partners. They co-habit. Not calling it marriage does not take away from the fact, that the aim is still to get all the benefits that marriage was supposed to provide, without the sacredness of marriage.
Recently, there is something else I have added to my list of thoughts---marriage keeps a lot of 'crazy out'. Most people are nuts. Yes. Women have an added advantage of being emotional and get away with unreasonableness for nearly a week every month (hence using them in combat is not without its dangers).
So marriage is required. You can call it cohabitation.
In my case there was marriage or nothing. So, well, one thing it was.
When you are open to the world in that way, you need to learn to ride on or hide from the tides. But what if you are walking towards them? Financial insecurity, lack of mentorship, burglaries, confusion of national and cultural identity, dry period of friendships?? You must weather it all.
With grace? Sure--how possible it is? Det beror på!! (it depends).
For my own sanity, I need to learn about how to get back to sanity. And have been doing so for the last decade. But more importantly for the last 4 years. I fail many times, but then again, I rise up. Dust myself and start walking again.
A friend of mine mocked me, 'You think you are spiritual huh?' said the person.
'But spirituality is a process' I retorted/or replied. And it is.
Been reading about neuroticism. Because of some irrational arguments with people.
Neuroticism is not diagnosed, it is not a mental illness but a personality trait. More women than men.
Spirituality can bring a way of 'putting a break, a pause' to that neuroticism.
So much can be said here. But I have had a dialogue with myself for the last several years. I am going to sit down and ask myself, where is the 'love'? Friendship. and Is this a friend I can lean on when I miss? mismanage? fail? behave badly? Or must I always be on my best behaviour (which mostly I am, and I go out of my way to be there for others).
In that I have realised that I truly do not have much energy to keep giving. I have to get back to my career and a few relationships that matter to me. Those who have stood by me.
Orkar inte as they say in Swedish. I have no energy!
Working on the old adage---
Let go of people and see if they return. If they return the friendship was strong to begin with. If not, then length of the friendship had nothing to do with strength.
And in that case, there is nothing you can do about it. Neurotic folks, yes me included, will continue to think about it for years. But it is a dog chasing its tail. No end to it.
Every once in a while, get that dull, monotonous tasting Chamomile tea out, sit down twiddling your thumbs and recognise the energy that these thoughts are taking.
Take a deep breath in and breath out!!
Stand up and walk into the magic, that is our life!!
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