Hindu Marriage Vows: Women and Stars!!

First published nearly 4 years ago on April 17, 2016---I thought this would be a good thing to read.

What 'vows' do Hindu couple take at the time of marriage? 

Source Internet: Facebook

Arundhati and Vashistha performing Yagna
Source: Revival of True India

I am very used to listening to people talk about oppression for women in India, and how marriage is an institution that oppresses women.  So here is a couplet from thousands of years ago, which is still used in Marriage vows.  By the way, Hindus, traditionally do not have a 'document to sign' to prove marriage.  Community took care of it.  The witnesses were the people who attended, the relatives, the neighbours, the teachers, the doctors, all those who had seen you grow up, and all those who interacted with you.  Since it was such an interactive community, and people lived in joint families and in the same community for generations, there was no need for a document to prove.  And young slowly attained their place in society by listening to the older ones.  As older ones at some point gave the 'baghdor' (the reigns) of the household into the hands of the younger ones.  There are scores of scenes in Bollywood, where a mother in law hands the keys to the important closets and boxes to her daughter in law, and a father hands his business and work to his son.  It was set in a cycle.  But today when everyone wants to establish their own 'will', there is an absolute chaos, nothing is sacred, and no one understands the need to wait and earn respect.

And when I found this poetic couplet --accidentally--(I had read it years ago)--I knew I had to share, and may be with this come back to my blog. I am not ready to let it go.  Thanks for your patience.

I am the sky and you are the earth
I am the giver of energy and you are the receiver 
I and the mind and you are the word
I am the music and you are the song 
You and I follow each other  

Favorable colours for bride and groom to wear at the wedding ceremony are normally red and gold. 

The couplet also reminds me of an ancient post wedding ritual, of which I learnt only recently. In south of India, Arundhati, the wife of sage Vashistha, one of the seven sages (Ursa major) is identified with the morning star. Arundhati, though a woman, and a wife of one of the sages, is given the same status and respect as the other seven seers.  In Vedic literature, Arundhati, is regarded as the epitome of chastity, marital bliss and wifely devotion (I know these traits are laughed at today, or for several decades now, in the name of freedom and women empowerment).  But my argument is that chastity, marital bliss and wifely devotion--never hurt women, especially when they are matched by their spouses.  

In addition, marriage in Hinduism is a sacrament, to join two individuals for life (and hopefully many lives), so that they can pursue dharma (duty/eternal law), artha (possessions/ economics etc.), karma (physical desires), and moksha (ultimate spiritual release), together --as they grow in dharma.  This union also happens in the context of union of two families.   

As a part of the duty is to take care of each other's parents and relatives as well.  I always wondered why there was no focus on volunteering in Indian society. That is because people were always engaged in taking care of each other.  When a woman had her child, she went back to stay with her mother for months, where she was treated as a young child again, her new born baby taken care of by relatives and she being brought her back to health by using age of wisdom---which included bathing and massaging rituals, and a special diet, often rich in nuts, ghee and proteins.  As the parents got older the young took care of them, and the cycle continued.  NO one had free time when dharma was being pursued.  Those who wanted to opt out chose the life of being monks and nuns, for they combined their calling for the divine and service to devote their entire lifetime to it.  This was even confirmed when I had a long conversation with a Buddhist monk I have known around five years. 

 Arrange marriages are not random, much research is done with regards to that.  Other than personal research of matching the potential bride and groom based on social standing, and similar culture, since India is truly a country of multiple cultures, Jatakam or Kundali is matched.  The closest word for Kundali or Jatakam or Patri or Teva (just imagine all the languages  in India and they all have the same concept only different word in their language) in english is horoscope, but it does not really come close to its mean.  A Kundali is drawn based on the placement of the stars and planets at the time of birth. The maximum points for any match can be 36 and the minimum points for matching is 18. Any match with points under 18 is not considered as an auspicious match for a harmonious relationship. Can people marry if they like, absolutely  there is not pressure.  There are many marriages where people continue, but from my understanding, often they do not last, and if they do they run with much strife.  I have known many families in India, who even before bringing the potential candidates forward have to match the astrological charts. Only if the astrological chart of the two individuals (male and female) achieve the required threshold in points are the talks for prospective marriage even considered. 

Also the man and woman are given a chance to talk and understand each other for a few months. Once there is an agreement then an auspicious time is chosen for the wedding to take place.  But grandness of this system is that --it is done with an understanding that the relationship will lead to lifelong-marriage, and not what I saw in the west, 'we'll see' and in that process many people are hurt, and many lives destroyed.  All that comes out of it is 'fun' which is short lived and does not necessarily add to the strength of our character.  I never believed in these things, but having travelled, I realize that India had much wisdom. Even today arranged marriages are popular in India, and the country has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world.  

According to ancient Indian literature, there were eight kinds of marriages were identified and not all had religious sanction.  Gandharva Vivah, was the equivalent of 'living together' situation today, but it was not considered to have the blessing of the parents and the community. Mainly because it used sexual attraction as its  basis and not 'dharma' supporting a society, a community and taking care of others in the family.  It was very much an activity in serving the self and sexual desire. However, love was considered a high level of emotion. These relationships were not meant to be broken even if they were outside of the esteemed ways of marital union.  Growing up, Bollywood showed many examples of main characters saying, 'Using Lord as our witness, we exchanged garlands and declared ourselves man and wife in HIs presence.'  While people questioned it, they accepted it.  For in the end, it was the decision of the groom and the bride.  Important point is, that no priest was required in such marriages.  A person's will was honoured.  


Paishacha vivah is what is quite popular in movies and I heard my students talk about it a lot---usually involved seduction, alcohol and sometimes manipulation.  Since in India no marriage is complete without consummation, each form of that consummation was considered a kind of marriage.  The highest one was where family became a unit of larger society, and so was supporting 'dharma' upholding the society so that its foundations would remain strong. Paishacha vivah in Indian treatise of Manusmriti is considered the lowest form and a sinful act. Funny, how we have shows titled, 'Friends with Benefits' and laugh at their jokes.  They mock both friendships and love-relationships. 

Coming back to Arundhati and the wedding rituals.  In south of India, post wedding, the groom is supposed to point at Vaishista (from seven sages, Ursla Major) and Arundhati--as a symbol of ideal couple that embodies eternal loyalty and marital fulfilment.  

While much of above writing is paraphrased from wiki, the following is a direct quote from wiki: 

The couples are asked to look up the constellation symbolizing conjugal love and affection.[2] [5] On the second bright day of the lunar month of Chaitra, a fast in her honour is observed in certain regions of India by ladies whose husbands are alive. This fast is observed with the belief that the ladies observing it would lengthen the lives of their husbands.[6]

Since Arundhathi is a faint star, it has to be shown in steps, starting with brighter star, it has to be shown in steps, starting with brighter stars then pointing at the relatively faint star.  This process of finding the faint (the unknown) via the bright (the known) has even lead to a very wise and useful maxim Arundhutidarsanayayah (IAST: अरुन्धतीदर्शनन्यायः) ---

---we know move from known to unknown.  Meaning when starting your research or any project, always move from known to unknown that eases the process. Many corporation and research organisations use that. I have also heard many writers and filmmakers talk about it.  'Always start with what you know.'

But here is what I want to end with, which shows the genius that is Indian mind. Both Arundhati and Vashishtha are twin stars.  While in most twin stars, one is stationary and other revolves around it, Arundhati and Vishishtha rotate in tandem, in synchrony--symbolizing the ideal couple.  Neither one is more powerful than the other.  This is an important part of the wedding ritual. 

The amazing part is that this ritual is thousands of years old, before the inventions of telescopes and before the modern science told us anything about twin stars, let alone know that these particular twin stars did not behave like any others.  

Another important point to be noted women in India had a higher stature in society. Its Arundhati-Vashistha and not Vashistha-Arundhati. Radha-Krishna, not Krishna-Radha, Sita-Rama, not Rama-Sita.




Women had higher respect than men.  Much of the changes occurred after India was invaded numerous times by outsiders.  So, I often question the 'feminism' that comes from the west, because dharma traditions were feminists by their very nature, always worshipping 'Shakti' the feminine principle of the universe.